Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
