We're like a lot better than the average bears
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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