Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You pole danced in your parka.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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