i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You pole danced in your parka.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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