I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
