Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
