I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
