i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
our cab driver is having phone sex.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
