So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
