he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
