My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Randomize
