my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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