I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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