Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
