You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
