My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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