Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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