Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i would punch a child for taco bell
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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