just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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