She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
