It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
