she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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