Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Damn victory sex feels great
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