so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
