Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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