He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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