i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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