Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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