I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
