Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
