I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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