Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
