life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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