His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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