also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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