You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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