new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
