when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
