Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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