Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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