nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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