the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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