i don't plan on having that self control this summer
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
