lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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