Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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