Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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