Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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