o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Its about making memories worth repressing
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
