You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
