I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
