I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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